Dignity

There's been a lot of talk in the autism community lately about dignity and presuming competence.  Honestly, I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

      To Whom It May Concern:

I mean, what does 'presume competence' mean, anyway?  Is it REALLY that terrible that some mornings I just assume my child can't dress himself and throw those clothes on him so we can get out the door?  Even without the autism, he's a 7 year old boy.   7 year old boys AREN'T incredibly competent, are they?

It has come to our attention that some staff members are not interacting with our son in an appropriate way, a way that respects his dignity and humanity.

And then I heard it.   We were late.  He was getting a drink, as the classroom teacher had told him to do.  I was putting away his backpack.  And a staff member walked in and without preamble yelled at him.

     We have heard staff members saying things to our son such as 'Who do you think you are?' and, perhaps more disturbing, we have heard him saying 'What is wrong with you?' and 'you are BAD!' during his pretend play--phrases he has heard often enough to have encoded and repeat them.  We are certain he did not hear these phrases from us.  

'Who do you think you are?'  The person uttering that phrase may not have meant anything at all by it, but the words struck like arrows to my heart.  I immediately sought out the eyes of my boy.   He was silent, curved into himself, and had started sucking his thumb.  He was headed back to his desk--the errand the classroom teacher sent him on completely forgotten in his desire to make up for disappointing the staff member.

We expect anyone's first interaction with our son during a day to be a greeting and a verbal transition. Unless he is endangering himself or others, there is no need for your first words to him to be critical, and certainly not demeaning.

I have heard parents talk about incidents like this, and much worse.  I have listened as they talked about how hurt and disappointed they were.   I understood, I empathized, I said a silent prayer of gratitude that we had never dealt with such things.

As I saw my boy's face, my heart ached for him, for his confusion at having disappointed someone and not understanding how.   His pain from the verbal assault he had just endured was clear, and my heart broke for him.

In our opinion, phrases that insult a child's personality or humanity, such as 'Who do you think you are?' or 'What is wrong with you?' are never appropriate and certainly have no place in an educational environment. Language that directly targets the child rather than the behavior are inappropriate at best. 

And then it caught fire.  I was not hurt, I was not disappointed, I was not saddened that my child lived in a world where this behavior was acceptable.   I.  Was.  LIVID.

I can not emphasize enough how important it is that the adults in our son's life respect him as a person. He is not a baby. He is not an animal. He is an intelligent, energetic, creative seven year old boy who happens to have autism. If the adults in his life criticize or infantilize him, if they create a culture of discrimination against him, then his peers will take their cue from adult behavior. If his peers see adults bully him and treat him as somehow “less than” other seven year olds, then they will also bully him and treat him as “less than”.  Our son will share his life with many of his peers for the next 12 years. How he is treated now will affect how they see him, and how they see him will affect how he is treated and ultimately how he sees himself.

How DARE you?  Who does he think he is?  Let me tell you who *I* think he is.   He is a human being, worthy of respect.  He is kind and creative and thoughtful.   He is more upset because he thinks he disappointed you than because you yelled at him--and he will never once question if YOU were the one who was wrong, because in his mind it is always him, HE is always the one who can improve.   He is stubborn and willful and those traits serve him well, because he expends more energy and shows more courage getting out of bed and facing the world every day than most people show in a week, and he does it every single day with a smile on his face.   That's who HE is.

It is very important to us that our son be respected as a human being. Just because he can not communicate well does not mean he can't communicate at all, and just because he doesn't always tell you what he's thinking doesn't mean he has nothing to say. Neither his communication deficits nor his autism requires him to sacrifice his human dignity. We expect him to be treated with the respect due a tiny person.

And in that moment of rage, clarity came.  THIS was dignity.  THIS was presuming competence.   I would have been equally angry if an adult had reacted this way to a typical child.   It is not that difficult to assume a child is doing what they are supposed to do and ask them what they are doing rather than presume they are wrong in their actions.    It is not asking for a miracle for a human being to treat another human being--especially one in their care--with respect and kindness.   It is not asking too much that an adult--a PROFESSIONAL--would address a child's behaviors rather than attack that child's humanity and sense of self.

To all my favorite bloggers whose posts on issues of dignity and competence over the past few months received a lukewarm reception from me, I apologize.  I apologize and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.   Without you, I'm not sure I would have understood why this incident upset me or why it was so important that it was corrected.

And to my beautiful son:  I am sorry.  I am sorry that I didn't understand the importance of this issue.  I am sorry for all of the times I may have ignored or not even noticed when someone did not show you the dignity and kindness you deserve.   I will do better.