Ah, 2013. What can I say?
We started out with the shock of Nathan having eloped in Columbus. In full freak-out mode, we spent hours and hours trying to figure out what to do, eventually deciding that our first plan (the autism dog) just wasn't going to work right now, and instead settled on an insane level of vigilance that often leaves other people thinking we're nuts. I'm ok with that.
Nicky has had one crisis after another--breathing problems, regressions, stitches, and now vision/sight issues.
Victor is great, when he's not stressed out and anxious. He worries about everything and everyone, and I have NO idea where he gets that from (and no, I can't even keep a straight face while I type it).
John and I are exhausted and worn down, and find ourselves dealing with things we've never dealt with before. And I don't mean just the stuff with the boys (though, 1. that would be more than enough and 2. Heaven knows that 's all new to us too). There are all these things that we decided at some point to deal with later. Then we woke up one day and it was Later.
This year has seen the renewal of old friendships, and even building real friendships on what was little more than a passing acquaintance. I am so grateful for all those friendships that have become stronger this year.
This year has seen crushing disappointments for me personally. People I had respected, relied on, and looked up to; people I had assumed would always be there when I needed them just weren't. I don't blame them really. We are all who we are, and it's not their fault that I saw them as different than they were. I am sad, but in this case, I am fully to blame for my own sadness.
I had my first 'too close to me' death to suicide this year, and soon after discovered that I had almost lost a few other dear friends to suicide, and only by the grace of God (or chance, if you prefer) were they spared. Last year, I learned that whether it is long and drawn out or short and sudden, there is no good way to lose a loved one. This year, I learned that there are certainly worse ways. Suicide is worse.
This year has also seen personal highs. Victor and I did a play with ARTS. A Facebook post I wrote become a published article. Due to my and John's insistence, Nathan was given the opportunity to be in a typical kindergarten class, and he is thriving there.
In fact, all three boys are thriving. In spite of their personal difficulties, in spite of our mistakes and missteps, they are happy, healthy little boys. They are beginning to show glimpses of the men they will be, and I couldn't be more proud of what I'm seeing. Victor has a strong sense of fairness and what is right, and his inquisitive mind leads him to ask important questions for this generation and the next--If there are thousands of pounds of food thrown out in our country every day, then why are people hungry? Why do some people live in houses big enough to be schools while others have no home at all? These questions are difficult for a parent to answer, but so important for a child to ask. Nicky, almost in defiance of the setbacks he's had this year, is a bubbling ball of sunshine, determined to spread joy wherever he goes. Every attempt to knock him down is met with an iron will that brings him back to his feet with a smile on his face, determined to try as many times as he must to accomplish his goal. And Nathan . . . that child is a walking miracle. If Victor is Fairness and Nicky is Joy, then Nathan is Love. Not the fairy tale, happily ever after love, but the real, difficult, dirty, painful, work-your-ass-off-to-keep-it love. Nathan's existence makes me want to try harder, work longer, BE better. He shows us every day that the world is not going to conform to you, you must rise to meet it. And each and every day, he does. It's not always graceful, it's not always pretty. Some days, all he can do by the end is scream or cry or moan or silently contemplate the injustice of it all. And the next day, he will open his eyes, sigh a heart wrenching sigh, put a smile on his face and say 'good morning mommy'. Every day. Victor makes me proud. Nicky makes me happy. And Nathan makes me humble.
In a few hours we will begin 2014. Hobbling, it seems, across this arbitrary finish line that somehow makes tomorrow so much different from today. We go as we always have--hand in hand, exhausted, with our heads held high and hope in our hearts. We go determined to make this year better than the last, to leave behind the sorrows of 2013 while clinging tightly to the joys and triumphs. We go with both fear and excitement about what the next 365 days might hold, knowing that no matter what comes we will face it together, as a family. We will work to rebuild what we have lost, to strengthen what we held on to, and to expand where we need to. We will offer love, hope, strength, and encouragement to each other, and we will work together to make our lives and the lives of those around us better. We will go with a determination to do whatever we can to bring light wherever it is needed. We will go with the full knowledge that whatever may come, good or bad or just different, we will get through it. We will go with a mind towards that night, 365 days from now, when we will once again contemplate what has just passed, and we will use those days to create a year that makes us proud of what we have accomplished and excited for the next 365. We will go because we must: we will do it with joy and fairness and love because we have learned that it is better that way.
And so we go.
Happy New Year to you all. May you find your own joy, love, fairness, and peace in 2014.
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